Sweaty Toothed Madman… or… My Thoughts on Matthew 6.

5 points to anyone who can name the movie reference in the somewhat odd title.

In my head the past few days the title of this post was going to be “Why Not Me?”  It has been accentuated by the shootings at NIU this past week.  But shootings and war time deaths and things like that don’t seem to phase me as much.  In some ways–and i’m sure this can be chalked up to male fantasy–I kinda long for death to come in a somewhat heroic vein.  i’m sure that the children of those folks who die in wars or whatever are still gravely effected, but it my mind i would rather go out like that.  car crashes would be terrible–airplanes not so good.  don’t ask me to explain my neuroticism.

but for me the fear that often runs and ironically probably shortens my life is disease.  cancer.  wow, what a powerful word.  a lot of times i feel like Bob in What About Bob.  why not me, though?  there are plenty of examples of men and women my age who have developed cancers.  plenty of folks my age and even younger who have died from this dreaded malady.  so why not me?  it could be.  what if it is?  and that’s kinda how my mind slips into anxiety.  heart disease doesn’t bother me all that much.  it gets my dad some.  but he’s older.  for me the dread comes in the reality that at some point, most likely, my body will turn on me.  the vessel that carries my soul–and i don’t mean to sound dualistic here–will turn on me and be my end.

now, let me rationalize a bit.  it’s not entirely a selfish terror that i experience.  my fear has been realized with the creation of our kids.  if i pass how will they know who i was.  how will they manage?  what will the impact of their tremendous sorrow and devastation be at losing their daddy?  again, i know there are many people that go through this on a daily basis.  there are many children out there who have lost a parent… even at very young ages.  i just can’t fathom why… and why not me?

it could be me.

and that’s what i have to deal with.  that’s what we all have to deal with i guess.  and yet my Lord tells me not to be anxious.  not to worry about tomorrow, but to focus on today.  S tells me that i need to focus more on the goodness of His promises.  that’s so difficult to do in a world full of disease, famine, warfare, murder…. it’s just so hard to do.

but i know it’s True.  I know that if I pass that I will enter into the glorious riches of God’s inheritance–whatever that may mean.  I know that as long as my kids look to follow the Lord Jesus that one day–or at some point outside of time (which probably doesn’t have points)–they will work and serve and glorify the King of Kings eternally.  I know that.  But it’s still so hard.

I want this anxiety, this doubt, this encompassing fear to pass from me.  I want to be able to know that my kids will know Jesus and be known by Him.  I want to serve him and help others who have already experienced this earthly mortality and grief.  I want my unbelief to turn into belief.

I grew up with Matthew 6 being my favorite chapter in the Bible.  In my youth it was idealistic and romantic.  In my prime it is a reminder that life is precious.  That this day, in fact, could be my last.  Because of that I want to live such that people will say and remember of me when i move on that I was a servant of the Lord.  Let me begin that journey now.

dt

~ by dthomas96 on February 15, 2008.